Love Hate Such a fine line
by DarkxSalvation
Summary: 'We gonna have to think about something stronger than your desire to kill me' Sometimes the line between love and hate is very thin; and love is the rescue as well as the trigger ... My version of the 05x02 scene in which Elena is compelled by Silas to torture and kill Damon.
1. The Story

A bit late but here it is. After watching 05x02 I immediately wanted to re-write that Compulsion Scene between Damon and Elena. 'We have to find something stronger than your desire to kill me.' And it is the thought of Stefan? And Damon is the one who brings him up? It probably can't get any more pitiful and torturing ...

In the style of my FF 'Your heart will always have a home' I changed the main idea of the scene - no, it's not Stefan who can free her from the compulsion but her love ... for that blue eyed tragic person in front of her ...

I wanted to write it as a One Shot but as it turns out that fate doesn't want me to finish this asap I decided to publish it in shorter parts which will be uploaded over next the following days.

Certain parts of the story (memories) are based on my other huger FF project. So if you are interested in what's behind the hints go and read it, I would be very happy.

I also couldn't decide if I want to re-vid or re-write that scene so I did both. The video result you can find on my You Tube Channel (link in my profile).

I would be happy about every review - as short as it might be! A writer lives only through her readers and their opinions :) And now enjoy :)


	2. The look in her eyes (Damon)

**The look in her eyes (Damon)**

I felt that something was wrong when I looked into her eyes. She had pushed me onto a chair in her dormitory room, sitting on top of me and looked me in the eyes.

I had followed her to college after she had cancelled my call, telling me Stefan had been standing in front of her. It hadn't been Stefan. I had known better. I had known that it had been the person we all believed we had put into a coffin, a coffin Stefan had dumped into a quarry. That hadn't been the case. All summer long we had believed we were safe, we had thought everything was right, everything was finally going to work out. All summer. All summer we hadn't known that Silas had replaced Stefan, taken his identity and imprisoned his shadow self, somewhere ... and Elena's feelings Caroline had told me about must have been right. He was in a lot of pain. And Elena didn't know. All of this. But that I knew. That while she had left Mystic Falls to college, everything had gone to hell. Starting with Jeremy being suspended from school, over Katherine having taken residence in the mansion because I had allowed her to and her ex-boyfriend being in a dark lonely place while we had enjoyed our … freedom. When she had met Silas today, believing it had been Stefan, something must have happened.

The look in her eyes … it was different. Different from everything I had seen … all summer long. Yet, it was a look I knew too well, I remembered too well, a look I would never forget. She had looked at me like this … after I had nearly killed Bonnie, such a long time ago. She had looked at me like this when I had snapped her brothers neck, sitting on the ground in front of him, tears shimmering in her eyes, believing I had sealed his fate, the fate of being a monster, just like me. And she had looked at me like this when I had taken that choice away from her … because I wouldn't have been able to stand the thought of losing her to Klaus and his sacrifice ... by feeding her my blood.

Her look this summer had reflected one thing, something I had never believed I would see in those eyes, never. She had looked at me with ... love.

Now all I could see was deep hatred. It was nothing more than a shimmer. But I knew it too well, I was way too afraid of this look. Because it meant I had ruined it … again. I had lost her again.

While she kissed me again, my insides, my heart clenched. She stood up, grabbing something on a table beside us; and before I could realize what she was doing, I already felt the vervain – laced water burning my throat, my stomach, my lungs, my insides. I coughed, trying to get rid of as much of the poison as possible, letting it drip down on my bare chest where it burned my skin like I was drowned in petrol. When I managed to look up again, the hatred was obviously visible in her eyes now. It made me forget the vervain burning my lungs, my skin. That pain was bearable compared to the pain I felt seeing her look at me like this.

I was still not able to say a word, weakened by the vervain; speechless from the pain in my heart; while she had grabbed pieces of clothes and kneeled down in front of me to tie me to the chair. As if I would be able to run … as if I could run away … from her …

"What did Stefan tell you to do?" I whispered.

"Get you alone … weaken you … torture you … and then … kill you", she replied.

I didn't know what hit me more. The brutal honesty or her voice which was as cold as ice, with no hint of emotion, no hint of the love I'd heard in it over the last weeks. I knew he had gotten into her head. I knew he had compelled her to do this. I knew she wasn't doing this on purpose. And yet … I couldn't help the aching in my heart. Because I had expected this situation already many times … because there were too many things I had done wrong, too many times I had hurt her. I knew I would pay for it one day. I knew she wouldn't just forget them, forgive me. I had hurt her too much for this, lost her trust too many times, disappointed her way too often.

"What else did he tell you?" I pressed out.

"Oh a lot. A lot of things you have been keeping from me", she answered, the anger; the disappointment, the hatred audible in every single word.

"And these things are?"

"Where to start? Maybe with the fact that Jeremy got expelled … a day after I left for college! You promised to look out for him, Damon! He was supposed to go back to have a normal life, with school and friends, a boring normal life!"

I had looked down to the ground again, not able to look her into the eyes. I realized what Silas had done when he had pretended to be Stefan. He had seen a chance to rile Elena up against me and I had let him. It was my fault that he was able to do so because I had kept secrets from her … again. Yet, this time … I had done it for her.

She had already given the answer to herself. I had done it to guarantee her a normal life. The experience of college, getting drunk on a billion of parties thrown to every little event they could find, living the life she'd had in her mind before she had met us, before she had gotten in touch with the supernatural world that had ruined her perfect one where nothing bad ever had happened, when her life had still been normal, her family intact. I had wanted this for her.

And when it all had started with Jeremy, when Katherine had stood in front of me and when I had met Silas, I hadn't thought about what it meant for me or the town, I had thought what that meant for her. It would have meant to draw her back from the perfect world she had started to create again for the first time.

The first time in a long time everything had been normal. As normal as it can be when you are a vampire. But she had graduated and she had been accepted for college. Just like every other girl her age. And she had been so happy about it.

I still remembered the moment she had gotten the paper from Whitmore College. I had offered her to compel someone on the committee to get her the acceptance but she hadn't wanted to. She had wanted to do it the normal, legal way, just like everyone else. When she had opened the letter and held her confirmation in her hands, she had screamed, run upstairs and jumped into my arms. So happy … as if everything would be normal. As if she would be a normal girl and I her normal boyfriend … and not a … monster, a serial killer.

Silas was using that against me. I had wanted to protect her normal intact world and now he was using it against me. And he was successful … so easily. It had needed nothing to rile her up against me … because she was used to getting disappointed by me.

Deep down, deep down I knew that I would never be what she wanted me to be. She wanted the perfect boyfriend, someone I could never be. Someone who was perfect, flawless, doing only the right things in the right way. I could and would never be Stefan. And even being such a honest person, she had lied that one time she had said she wanted me the way I was. She still wanted me the way someone else was … the way Stefan was.

"Or maybe we talk about the fact that you gave shelter to Katherine? Katherine, Damon! How many times did that woman try to kill me? How many times did she threaten the people I love? And don't forget the fact that she killed me brother!" She spit out.

"And you, the person she used the most, are getting weak? She ruined your life, Damon. You died for her though she never loved you, you were nothing more but a damn toy for her, a toy she threw into the next corner when she got sick of it! Why are you still getting weak when it comes to her? Why didn't you simply snap her neck like you did with my brother?"

It hit me both, the fact that she mentioned the two worst mistakes I'd ever made in my life. Of course, I would always feel guilty for snapping Jeremy's neck that night and of course she would never forget that moment as well but … it nevertheless hurt to hear the disgusting tone in her voice with which she spoke.

I had been someone else back then. I was someone totally different now. And yet … and yet knowing this was all Silas' work, I knew deep down, as much as she might love me, in the deepest corner of her heart I would remain the heartless, ice-cold monster I had once been. She proved it to me in this moment – because Silas was able to use it against me. It was still there – the hatred, the anger, the disgust she once had felt and it will always be. It will always be a trigger … that might tears us apart.

And for Katherine … she was right, under compulsion or not. I had indeed granted Katherine shelter at the mansion after … everything. When she had stood in front of me, so helpless and human, pleading me to help her, I had become weak again. As I always had around her. And as always it had lead me into deep trouble.

In 1864 it had lead to my death, a death for a woman I had loved deeply but who hadn't loved me back. Not even a bit.

Month ago it had let to that terrible mistake, which would always be an obstacle between Elena and me – the moment I had grabbed Jeremy's neck to snap it.

And today … it might led to my final death.

So why do I still get weak around that woman? Because I am a stupid moron. Because you never forget your first love, as deadly, as tragic it might end. And when she stands in front of you and pleading you to help her with these same eyes of the woman you love now, more than you ever loved her … you can't help it. I couldn't simply let her die …

„Or maybe we talk about the fact that Stefan's been missing all summer long while I was having fun, rolling around in bed with you!"

Being dragged back from my thoughts about Katherine I recoiled hearing her harsh tone, the guilt and especially the disgust. I looked up at her again, meeting her gaze, which reflected everything her voice had given away and it hit me like a stake into my heart.


	3. A familiar feeling (Elena)

**A familiar feeling (Elena) **

I hadn't even said the words out lout when I already regretted them. My mind was spinning, my head aching. What was I doing here? Why was I saying this? I knew how much it hurt him … digging up the crap that had happened between us what felt like centuries ago. He was different now, I was different. And yet … I couldn't help it but letting all the old anger I once had felt for him rush to the surface again, burying the feelings I had felt all summer long, feelings I had begun to feel such a long time ago already. But I couldn't get a grip on them. They were distant, foggy, as if someone had compelled me to forget them. When he lifted his gaze again to meet mine and I looked into these deep blue eyes, the first emotion that was rushing to the surface, the feeling I had always felt when I had looked into these eyes before, was immediately buried by deep anger and hatred. And I could do nothing against it. All I knew was that it was wrong.

„This is so wrong," I pressed out between my clenched teeth, trying to suppress the anger that was starting to overwhelm me.

„Silas got into your head didn't he? He is using your anger at me, it's like a trigger", Damon breathed out.

„You're right, all I can think about when I look at you is killing you!" I screamed, pressing my hands to my head. I felt as if it might explode.

„You have to resist it, Elena!"

„I can't! It's filling my every thought!" I sobbed, tears starting to build up in my eyes from the pain in my head.

„You have to think about something stronger than your desire to kill me, Elena. Something else … something totally different ..."

„I can't, Damon", I replied out of breath, my hands that were still pressing against my head starting to tremble. „All the time I hear your voice or look into your eyes, I get reminded of all the moments you hurt me so badly", I sobbed.

I could see how his face got even whiter. I could see how he had to swallow. I could see how his hands started to tremble the same way as mine already did. I wanted to feel guilty, I wanted to feel sympathy, I absolutely didn't want to see him like this, do this to him and yet … all I felt was anger and satisfaction to see him suffering.

When an evil smile lit up my face and at the same time I felt a terrible stitch in my heart, I knew the reason of the pain. I knew why I felt like being torn apart. My mind and heart were fighting against each other. And it was literally ripping me into pieces.

I knew this feeling. It wasn't unfamiliar. Because I, we, had been in this situation before. That time we had been in the mansion, Damon had been pinned to one of the walls by several stakes and I had been compelled by an Original, I had been compelled by Elijah. I had been compelled just like today, to kill the man in front of me, looking at me with these deep blue eyes full of pain.

That day I had felt the same pain because I had been fighting against the force that had making me hold up that stake in my hand, right above his heart. It had been the same force that was controlling my feelings and my actions now. Just … I hadn't been compelled by an Original, I had been compelled by Silas. And I wasn't the human I used to be anymore. I was a vampire now. I was stronger … yes … but at the same time I was feeling anger and hatred a million times amplified.

What hadn't changed, human or vampire, Elijah or Silas, was the fact that no matter what … nobody could compel a heart. While my mind was so badly compelled to hate that man in front of me, my heart wasn't, my heart couldn't. When it had hurt me to fight the compulsion that day, it was killing me now. Because not only anger and hatred were amplified but my feelings for him as well.

„Do you remember how we met?" I suddenly heard Damon's voice ripping through my thoughts and the throbbing pain in my head.

The evil grin on my face disappeared. I stared at him, speechless. Because at the sound of these words the pain was easing down.

„I don't mean the day you came to the mansion. I mean that night when you were on that party. You were walking all alone on that dark parking lot, talking to your mum on the phone," he went on.

„Go on, Damon, it's working. The pain, it's easing down", I nearly begged him.

He had looked to the ground again but now his head was jerking up, a shimmer of hope rising in his eyes.

„I had been lying down on the street nearby, staring up at the sky. I had just returned to Mystic Falls after what felt like an eternity. I have no idea what had driven me to go back to this place that was only holding painful memories for me. But I am happy, I did. Otherwise I wouldn't have met you", he went on, a slight smile lighting up his face.

„When I heard your voice, I couldn't believe it. Here I was, in Mystic Falls where I met and at the same time lost that incredible beautiful woman I fell in love with and decades later I was drawn back to that place, lying in the middle of the road and suddenly her voice was in my head again. In the beginning I thought I was hallucinating. But then your voice was coming closer and closer and I heard your steps on the pavement. Before I even knew, I had rushed up and was standing in front of you. And I couldn't believe my eyes. There you were, looking just like her."

While he had spoken with his gaze fixed to the ground, he was looking up at me again now, his eyes meeting mine. My gaze had softened, my lips curved to a slight smile at the memory of how I had looked up from my phone and he had stood in front of me out of nowhere. How he had looked at me so astonished.

„First, I thought I had finally found her back but I realized pretty soon that you were not her. You were different. Everything was different about you. When you smiled, your smile was genuine and honest. It reached your eyes, these eyes which told me from the very first moment how compassionate and caring you were. And you made me smile, you made me laugh, like nobody else ever before. You awakened feelings in me, I had never felt before and feelings I hadn't felt in a long while … in that moment you had made me feel human. Like a man who had met a woman by coincidence and they were talking and there was this chemistry from the very first moment."

As he went on, I could feel something rise up inside me. First, I didn't pay attention to it, but with every word that feeling grew stronger and stronger. I felt how my hands had slightly started to tremble again and my breathing had started to become slightly irregular.

„You told me about Matt. And that while he had already a plan of his future, you told me that you didn't know what you want out of life. Do you remember what I replied?" He asked.

But I couldn't reply. I knew the answer but I couldn't reply. I clenched my fists, the trembling having grown stronger and stronger.

_You want a love that consumes you …_

„... You want passion. And adventure. And even a little danger," Damon completed the sentence that had been rising up in my mind. And it was back. Within a second the anger came rushing back at me.


	4. Always there for me (Damon)

**A/N: **Two chapters at a time because this one is a really short one :) I simply couldn't help but write a little from Damon's POV although Elena's offers more possibilities ;)

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**Always there for me (Damon)**

I had barely finished the sentence when I already felt her hands enclosing around my throat. I gasped in surprise.

„Stop it", she yelled and her voice was almost a growl.

I felt that her hands were shaking again, her jaw was tight and the anger in her eyes had even doubled up. This time I didn't look away. I couldn't, I was too shocked.

„You know what comes to my mind when I think about having met you? Pain … and death", she nearly spit out. „When you came back to this town, when you came into my life all you brought with you was pain and death."

I swallowed under the firm grip of her hands.

„Do you remember how you abused and fed on Caroline for weeks? Using her for your little games whenever she was necessary, just to kill her when you got tired of her? You would have killed her if her blood wouldn't have been poised with vervain! Talking about my friends; you remember the night you attacked Bonnie after she destroyed your crystal; the only way to a tomb your goddamned Katherine never has been in? If Stefan wouldn't have been there, she would be dead by now as well!"

She had talked herself in rage, her hands closing firmer and firmer around my throat with every word.

„And what about Vicky Donovan, the girl you turned out of boredom! Boredom, Damon! I nearly lost my brother to his grief about her death because you turned her out of boredom!"

Her grip got so strong that I wasn't able to reply, I was even barely able to listen to her, fighting against the urge to close my eyes and just drift into unconsciousness, escaping this nightmare. But I knew, if I would close my eyes, I would be dead.

„You also remember these other times? When I didn't cause you pain but dried your tears?" I whispered, staring with heavy eyelids into her deep brown eyes. Her hands started to lose a little, yet the hatred remained in her eyes. But it gave me the opportunity to catch my breath and go on. „Do you remember that night you broke up with Stefan? It was raining like hell, you came off the road with your car and landed in a ditch. When I found you, you were sitting in the rain, crying, lost and all alone. Do you remember what I said to you?"

„I couldn't stand to see you so desperate, so sad and so … lost. It reminded me too much of … myself", she quoted my words and interrupted me before I could finish the sentence. Her hands loosened even more, the anger disappeared out of her eyes. Still breathing heavily, she made a few steps backwards, closing her eyes, her hands still shaking.

„I took you into my arms and just held you, like so many times."

„You were always there for me ...", she whispered.


	5. Memories (Elena)

**Memories (Elena)**

As soon as I had spoken the sentence out loud a different memory appeared in my head. I was standing in the entrance of the Salvatore mansion, shaking, my face was covered with black tracks, my jeans with dirt and it was as if I could smell the bloody tracks that were covering my hands. I was looking up into eyes that were as ice cold as hic voice as he spoke.

_"What Elena? What? You thought that I can help you? I am sorry, I can't!"_

_"What the hell do you want me to do now?_"

_"Maybe take me into your arms?"_

My eyes flung open as I started into the same blue eyes. They were looking at me with warmth, with love, there was nothing visible of the coldness of that memory and yet all I could think about were these eyes that had shown no sympathy, no pity, nothing. And when I heard him whisper my name, hearing the insecureness, the pain and the strike of hope, all I heard were his screams, striked with anger and rejection.

"You send me away. You left me alone", I breathed out under my ragged breathing.

"When, Elena?" He replied and the strike of hope left his voice.

"After I had come to you, after I had seen Stefan ... and Katherine", I pressed out under clenched teeth. "Or there in the hospital, after Klaus had found me. You left me alone with this monster!" I screamed, talking myself in full rage again. "And you left me alone in this moment I will never ever forget. I was scroutching over my dead brother's body after you had snapped his neck, I was looking up to you, desperate and all you did was leaving me!" I yelled, clenching my trembling fists.

"And do you remember the day your brother really died? When there was no ring who could have brought him back? When you were sinking to the floor, nearly suffocating from your sobs, do you remember who held you in this moment?" Damon screamed back.

And it worked. His voice was like a slab into my face, pulling me out of the trance the rage had gotten me into again.

"You, it was you. You calmed me, you always managed to calm me, just by holding me, just by whispering that everything is going to be okay. And I believed you, I trusted you all the time and you were always right. You never dissapointed me", I replied so fast that my voice nearly cracked. I had to hold onto that, I had to fight back these dark memories, I had to think about the bright ones, I had to make them fill my mind and push the anger away.

"That night in the rain when we sat there at my car ... and when we were sitting on my bed ... you even made me laugh. You always managed to make me laugh, no matter how sad or desperate I was," I went on.

"Do you remember the hot chocolate and chips?"

"How could I forget? You teased me that I would become a fat cow with such eating habbits! And the next day ... when we were searching for a way to get Stefan out of that tomb ... we had so much fun with our pillow fight, I didn't even think a second about Stefan."

"Or do you remember the thunderstorm that went on that night before?"

"Yeah, you nearly died from laughter because I was fearlessly fighting Originals but thunder and lighting scared the hell out of me."

"Or my personal favorites: When you were on your little self suicide mission with Ric, trying to find Stefan in a forest crowded with wolves and I threw you fully clothed into the lake. Your face expression was dan epic."

"My personal favorite was when you threatened to throw me over your shoulder in Richmond and carry me out of Slaters apartment. I thought you would never do that, but you seriously did!"

"Well you didn't want to obey and I couldn't let you surrender yourself to a murderous Original who wanted to spill your blood on some stupid altar."

"You know that I did it to protect all of you. I remember how much we fought about it ..."

The last words came out haltingly. Before I could even finish the sentence I realized what I had done. I had pulled the trigger myself.

"It wasn't the only time we had fought ...", I trailed of, feeling the familiar tension coming back.

"No, Elena, don't! Don't think about it!" Damon shouted, the despair audiable in his voice.

"I remember so many times when I had fought with you, cried because of you ..."

"No ..."

"When you killed Vicky, when I found out that you were responsible for the death of my birth mother, when you killed my brother, when we were standing in my bedroom and a day later on the porch and you begged me for forgiveness for snapping my brother's neck in the blink of an eye, when you forced me to leave Stefan all to Katherine in that damn tomb, when you screamed at me to stop searching for Stefan on my birthday, when you wanted to kill Caroline's father, when you fought with Kol and later slept with Rebekha, when you used Matt as bait and when you told me everything's alright while actually everything is going to hell at home! The list is endless, Damon!" She shouted.

"As well as the list of the times I had to save your goddamn ass and risked my life in the process", he replied calmly, but I didn't miss the sharp edge in his voice. "Let's see, I took an arrow in the back for you when that Vanessa bitch had that crossbow pointed to your heart, missing mine only by inches by the way. Or do you remember the masquerade ball?"

At his words, images started to flash in front of my eyes. Breaking through the wall of hatred and anger that had build up inside me. I saw Damon's painful face in front of me when the arrow had pierced his back and he had sank to the ground. I relived the moment when Katherine had gotten me all alone at the lake during the masquerade ball, feeling her hands closing around my throat as she strangled me. I had believed I would die right then when Damon had appeared all of the sudden. In the end, it had turned out to be nearly the other way round. To protect me from her, he had strived against Katherine, getting paid for it with a million stakes all over his body and words that had hit him right to the core.

_"You are so unbelievable stupid! Why do you do all of this? Why do you risk your life for her? You don't want to tell me …"_

_"Worth it? Don't you see? She will NEVER love you! You will die for a woman who will never ever love you - again!"_

Her words were repeating over and over again in my mind, as well as Damon's face expression. Tortured. Hurt. And yet convinced to save my life even if it meant to lose his. And it wasn't the only time I had seen this look on his face. Too well I remembered the fight of him and Elijah. And his expression when I was standing in front of him, a stake raised in my hand, compelled to end him.

_"It's okay."_

His whisper shot through my head. As well as the image of his smile before he closed his eyes.

_"I would die for her, always."_

"Damon ...", I whispered and looked straight into his eyes. My heart ached from the flood of memories and the fight against my compelled mind. I felt exhausted, tired, I couldn't keep it up any longer. And my compelled mind used that weakness immediately. It shot back images of the times Damon had lost his temper. I saw Alaric's neck getting snapped from one moment to another and his lifeless body falling to the ground. And of the times he had burried his true feelings and it had ended with him doing something stupid. The image was nearly the same as with Alaric. Just the setting wasn't in front of the Lockwood mansion but in my bedroom, and it was my brother's neck which got snapped. Or the times he had risk the life of others or even killed them just to protect himself.

"Damon, all I can think about is Lexi, how you killed her to save you. Or the moment you were standing in front of me, with a stake raised up in your head ready to end Caroline, my best friend, who was standing behind me", I said as tears of exhaustion and pain started to build up in my eyes and I burried my face with my hands.

"And all I can think about are our dances ...", he replied, his voice, though striked with exhaustion, warm and soft.

"What?" I replied astonished, my head jerking up again.

"One of the strongest memories I have are the memories of our dances", he repeated.

"The Miss Mystic Falls Dance ..."

"As our first one."

"You jumped in for Stefan."

"Or when we were standing and watching the Dance a year later? I could see it from the look in your eyes that you were remembering our dance in that moment."

"I did. It was probably one of the most special moments between us ... It was the moment I first felt this strong chemistry between us ... and it doubled up when we danced the next time, at the masquerade ball. I still remember the song, your hands ..."

"And your head on my chest ...", Damon went on.

"We nearly kissed at the end."

"I wanted to kiss you so badly but then my phone rang ... When we were dancing at the mansion in front of the fireplace there was no phone thank god."

"Our dances were probably the closest moments we shared. Everytime we danced, it felt as if I could look straight into your soul ...", I trailed off.

_So different from the many times he shut you completely out behind his massive stone walls ... _My mind finished the sentence for me.


	6. The trigger and the rescue (Damon)

**A/N: **Gosh, I am beyond sorry that I made all of you wait for so long, really. I hate it. But I tell you, never build a house, you have no time left at all; everything is circling around kitchens, bathrooms, roomplans instead of Damon and Elena. But today is the last day of 2013 and I decided I owe you another chapter like hell. There is one more to follow and this short story is done. Before I will go on with my main story, I will add a One-Shot. Tell me I am crazy but I loved 05x10, I loved the break up. It was the right thing to do; the Damon thing to do. I want to express some thoughts I had and discussed with my TVD bestie in an extended version of that scene. So if you are interested; I would be happy to see a review of you as soon as it is up :) Okay no more babbling. I wish all of you a good start for 2014! (And for me less house and more DE ;))

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**The trigger and the rescue (Damon)**

„Don't even dare to think about it", I threatened, well aware of the change in her face expression from one second to another.

„I can't do nothing against it. As soon as you come up with a memory that reaches my heart, my mind comes up with a memory that is the complete opposite, feeding this damn anger and hatred!"

I was exhausted. I had no idea how long I was able to keep this up. It was a constant struggle. As if you walk on a mine field. Only one wrong step, even a step an inch too far in the wrong direction and you activate the deadly trigger. I had no idea what I was allowed to say and what not, I had no idea if I should better be silent or not. But silence would definitely kill me. And yet … I was just too tired to fight any longer.

I had been in such a situation so many times. How many times had I fought against werewolves, vampires, Originals. I already even had looked into these brown eyes wanting to kill me. The first time it had been not hers but Katherine's. And I would have died protecting my love. She had tortured me physically and mentally to the edge of death but it would have been worth it. Because I would have died for my love, with her in my back trying everything her human strength was willing to give to protect _ME_.

The second time Elena had stood with a stake raised above her head, compelled by Elijah. She would have killed me. The person I loved the most would have killed me. But I would have died with the memory of her eyes looking into mine and expressing everything I had ever wanted to see in them.

This time … she was compelled as well and she was fighting so hard again but … her anger was … real. It was heightened by the compulsion but it was real. The anger, the hatred was real. It was rational. Because hatred was part of our story, it was our beginning. And it would always be a part and a burden … and maybe our end.

But this was not me. I was not the one to give up that easily. Especially not when it came to her. How long had I been in love with this woman now? For how long had I endured watching her and Stefan be happy; feeling a stitch where my heart was supposed to be whenever she smiled at him, hugged him, kissed him? For how long had I not given up on these feelings, as irrational, illogical and unrealistic they might have been? Just to give up on them, on her _now _when she had finally decided not against but for me? When she finally wanted _me_? Is that what I had fought for all this time? So hard? As many memories there were that made her hate me, there were as many that had made her fall in love with me.

„Good, then don't think about our fight after the masquerade ball at the mansion, don't think about my behavior after Rose died, Elena. Because you knew, you understood why I reacted like this! You _know_ me! And I will not let your mind win, I will not let Silas win. So what about the beginning of our relationship? When we weren't sure if it was even real! When all I could think about was this damn sirebond and that none of your feelings for me had ever been real? In all the mistakes I've made, all the times I disappointed you and I might have only looked out for myself, arrogantly, selfishly, what did I say to you that evening at the mansion when we found out about it?"

She didn't reply. She just stared at me. Shocked. In couldn't hear her inner fight but it was however visible on her face. My words had interrupted her thoughts.

"Tell me, Elena! What did I say?!" I screamed, trying to rip through the compulsion that was messing with her mind.

„I have to do the right thing by you ...", she quietly quoted the words I had said to her that evening and I saw her face expression soften visibly.

„And what did I do a day later because I couldn't endure the fact of you being together with me just because of some damn blood relation? What did I tell you?" I went on insistently.

„That you set me free. That it is what you want. What makes you happy. The biggest lie I have ever heard from you ..." she replied, her voice missing the sharp edge now.

„And I did it for you. I could easily have accepted the sirebond, I could have told you to do whatever I wanted you to do, I could have told you to never ever leave me again. And the old me would have done that for sure! But I didn't … I couldn't … I wanted you to be happy … because I made you happy, not because of some stupid bond. And the cure …"

„You were so afraid … you were so afraid that as soon as I would have taken it, I would fall out of love with you. And yet you gave it to me ..." she interrupted me and this time I could even hear a hint of love in her voice.

„Because I knew that it would make you happy … that's all I ever wanted ..." I said, my voice becoming nothing more than a whisper.

And there I had hit it again. Another mine along the uncountable others. I saw on her face that her subconscious had delivered her more memories where I had proven her that I was the selfish monster and nothing more.

„Why did you feed me your blood then back when Klaus needed mine to break the curse? Why did you do it without even asking me? John, my father, died to protect my soul. He died for me, so I could stay human … because you took that decision away from me. Damon, just as you would rather have died from that werewolf bite instead of taking the cure and become human, I would have preferred to die as a human instead of turning into a vampire. But you had no respect at all for my decision!" She replied, now harshly again but I could clearly hear the edge of despair in it. „It was selfish, Damon!"

„As selfish as the evening I was sitting in your bedroom with your vervain necklace in my hands? You remember that night, don't you_? _

_'What I'm about to say is probably the most selfish thing I've ever said in my life. I just have to say it. You just need to hear it … once'_", I recited, shooting the words back at her.

„_I love you, Elena. And it's because I love you that I can't be selfish with you_", she whispered, reciting my own words that night.

As soon as she had said them out loud, a scream filled the room that let me recoil hardly and hit me directly to the core.

„Ahhhhhhhh, Damon!"

Her hands jerked up, pressing against her head.

„What the hell is happening?" I shouted, shocked and worried at the same time. I pulled at the chains, trying to get rid of them but she had applied them too firm and weakened me physically and mentally too much. „Elena, what the hell is wrong?" I repeated, my voice now stroked with despair.

„My head, it explodes!" She screamed and fell down to one knee. „It hurts, it hurts so much", she breathed out, tears starting to build up in her eyes from the pain.

My mind was swiftly putting one and one together. I could kill him, I could kill that damn bastard who carried my brother's face.

Whenever I tried to break through to her with a memory that reminded her of our happiness, the compulsion shot back with the opposite, a memory that let her remember why her decision to chose me had been absolutely wrong. That there was nothing lovable about me.

And as stronger the memory I used to bring her back to me; as stronger was the compulsion working against it. So far until she couldn't bear it any longer.

It wasn't enough that he had compelled her to kill me, he had as well shut off every way there was to break through it. He left us one single solution: Either I died or she.

„The memories … Elena. It's the memories. The stronger the memory, the stronger the feeling you bind tot that memory, the stronger works the compulsion against it," I said quietly, resigned.

„You are … right", I pressed out, my breathing racked. „But then it works … both ways. The stronger the memory the stronger you manage to break through it as well ..."

„So the stronger the emotion you feel at the thought of that memory, the stronger you fight against it ..."

„The stronger my heart fights against my mind … Damon, it's the only way."

„The only way to do what? Break the compulsion? So I should go on and torture you with the most epic moments we shared so long until you take a stake and drive it through your heart because you can't stand that pain any longer and all I can do is watch?" He yelled and the fury in his voice let me gasp. „I will not sit here and watch you die … because of me", I finished, my voice a threatening whisper now.

„And I will not take that damn stake and drive it through your heart," she screamed back. „Then the compulsion will be broken probably, how awesome", she went on sarcastically. „And when I am into my full state of conscious again I will have to face the fact that I just killed the person who means the most to me in this bloody world. And you think if that will happen, I will not take a stake and drive it through my heart? The only thing we can do is try, Damon. Don't fight with me about this, it's just fuel to Sila's compulsion. Just … help me. Please."

I swallowed. Her words echoing in my mind.

_"I will have to face the fact that I just killed the person who means the most to me in this bloody world."_

This works both ways, Elena, I thought. I will as well as you take that damn stake because what reason to I have to live, what reason offers me this bloody world to go on when you are no longer a part of it?

„All I ever had was my darkness, my loneliness. And then you came … with your light. Why can't you know all of this … why can't you just … understand it?" I slowly went on aloud; reciting my words that night, my voice nothing more than a whisper.

"I remember ... how tears build up in my eyes. Your words ... they ... hit me ... to the core ... I hadn't ... expected ... that you loved me ... so much ... and all I had wanted ... in this moment was ... to show you that you were wrong, I wanted to show you that I loved you as well", she went on, her voice streaked by pain but not by anger. And deep down there was even a hint of that love she felt for me in that moment we were remembering.

I could do nothing but stare at her in astonishment. She had never told me. She had never spoken about the minutes she had stood there in front of me, unable to move, unable to speak. I didn't know what she had been thinking, I hadn't thought about it because all I had thought about was how to tell her what I needed her to hear without changing my mind, without turning around like a coward. I had expected everything but not that. I hadn't expected that she'd already had such deep feelings for me in that moment.

"But you silenced me ...", she went on.

"I told you I don't deserve you ...", I joined.

"And I was screaming inside that you do. I was screaming that you were the best thing that could ever happen in my life, that you are the one ... and I kissed you", she confessed.

"And you wanted to tell me that you love me", I said, feeling a lump building up in my throat.

"But you put a finger on my lips to silence me before I could speak the words out loud", she went on.

"Because I wouldn't have been able to endure it if you would have said them", I admitted.

"And then you compelled me, not to say a word, nor move. And I fought so hard. With all my human strength. You told me that I needed someone who makes me happy ... and all I wanted to tell you was that you do, but I couldn't."

"Then I made you forget this evening ... and what you felt for me ..."

"And the last thing I saw before I closed my eyes was a tear running down your cheek", she said, while a tear was running down hers. Not from pain. Not from anger.

And in the next moment her screams hallowed from the walls, hitting me to the core.


	7. I'm not sorry (Elena)

**A/N: **Last part! And I must admit I am pretty pleased with how it turned out :) I am glad I waited for this to finish until 05x10 was on screen. It inspired me for the ending; as well as my dear friend Lexi (as always 3). Next will be my version of the 05x10 break up scene. Hope you will read it as well :) And tell me what you think of this version of 05x02! Writers live of the reviews of their readers; keep that in mind! ;)

* * *

**I'm not sorry (Elena)**

"Elena, I can't do this. I can't watch ...", he started and I could hear the pain in his voice.

"No, Damon, go on. We have to break it!" I interrupted him immediately, my voice harsh. It was already a constant struggle to fight against the compulsion and to not let it take the upper hand; I couldn't fight with him about this, too. I didn't have the strength.

I was kneeling on both knees in front of him by now. Supporting myself with my hands on the ground not to collapse. My breathing was racked and I could feel the trembling from exhaustion run through my entire body. I wanted it to end. No matter how. I wanted it to be over. Because I couldn't go on. Not a single second.

"Damon, please ...", I breathed out.

I didn't look up to him, afraid it might already be enough fuel to my rage and my weakened body and mind. Instead I starred onto my shivering hands, trying to get my breathing back under control.

I heard him sigh quietly and racked. He couldn't go on either.

_Either me or him …_

"I don't know where to start, I can't think properly …", he whispered.

"Just somewhere, just tell me what comes to your mind, no matter what ...", I replied.

After a short break he went on.

"Do you remember when I stayed with Jeremy at the lake house? You went home after I told you so; to have you out of danger. In the evening you called me", he said quietly.

"I was sitting on the front porch …", I added.

"You told me that you and I … is the most real thing you've ever felt … in your entire life. And then you said three little words … I didn't expected you would ever say to me. But you did. And I looked up to the sky, so happy that I can't even describe it."

I heard what he was saying. I heard his voice, quietly telling me one of our most precious memories. But it took me an enormous amount of strength to keep fixated on his voice, his words … and not the words that were shouting in my head. It was as if someone was screaming them at me, while Damon's voice was barely more than a whisper, words I heard as if through a thick glass wall.

"You said – I love you, Damon. I love you. And I wanted to hear it over and over again._ I love you", _Damon said.

I heard the happiness, the relief, the faithfulness in his voice and a deep, deep love. And they flipped a switch. My hands which had started trembling again, grabbed the wooden chair in the corner, faster than my mind could even proceed it. They smashed it to the ground, splintering it into pieces, faster than my heart could fight against it. And before I knew what I was doing, I was standing above him and my hands lowered down with unnatural speed, smashing the stake my hand had gripped from the ground right into his arm.

His scream hallowing from the walls was interrupted by words I had told Stefan, a long time ago, when I had been sitting on the ground with my dead brother in my arms.

_"There is nothing good about him, Stefan, not anymore. He's decided what he wants. He doesn't want to feel. He wants to be hated. It's just easier that way. He got his wish. I hate him Stefan."_

By then, his screams didn't influence me anymore. I felt nothing watching him being in pain, and he was in pain. His healing abilities were nearly down to null. I had weakened him too much, physically and mentally. I saw his tortured features, I saw the blood coloring his skin deep red. And I felt nothing. I let the compulsion take over me, I gave in to the rage, the hatred, the anger deep inside my heart. Three little words had broken me, had broken the defenses of my heart.

_"I love you."_

_"I hate him."_

I hated him once. For all he had done. I hated him, because there was nothing inside him that was worth loving. What changed my mind? What changed my mind that I chose him after all? What made me … fall for him? I didn't remember …

_"_This is funny. The last times it had been Katherine or Elijah stabbing me nearly to death. I survived it two times thanks to you. And the last time it will be you holding up the stake herself … not to rescue but to end me, it's ridiculous", Damon went on, quietly, an edge of sarcasm audible in his voice.

I barely heard anything of it. It was as if he was miles away, not sitting right in front of me. All I heard were the echoes in my mind.

_"He is a monster. A monster condemned to stay in the darkness … alone … forever."_

_"You are a monster!"_

"I remember how you fed me your blood that evening Elijah attacked us. I was almost dead when I lied there on the marble floor of the mansion. But you couldn't let me die. You asked me, no you forced me to drink your blood. The moment you tilted your head to the side and brushed your hair out of the way, revealing your bare throat, is a moment I will never forget. Nor when my fangs pierced your skin, creating a connection, a bond. Unbreakable …", Damon's voice ripped through my anger.

"SHUT UP!" I screamed back at him, taking another stake, driving it through his leg. I saw his hands closing firmer around the edges of the chair, I saw his clenched teeth, the pain in his eyes, but he didn't scream.

"_You are incapable of feeling anything!"_

_"You are the most selfish person I have ever met! I wish I had never saved you!"_

"The moment that will stay present in my mind for all time, is the moment you ran down the stairs straight into my arms", he said barely audible, looking straight up into my eyes.

_"You have lost me forever."_

Another stake went down, into his leg.

"Or when you were laying on my chest, holding my hand, while I was barely able to speak, weakned by the werewolf poison that was about to kill me. You kissed me that night for the first time; as a goodbye."

And another, finding his stomach as a destination.

"The kiss at the masquerade ball when we were hiding from Katherine ..."

There were no longer just echoes of words in my mind. I saw a varsity of pictures flash before my eyes. Fights, slabs, tears, adding fuel to my hatred. Adding stakes to his body. Blood to the ground.

"But the most precious memory I hold ...", he went on through his pain, "... are the moments you looked me into my eyes. I love your deep brown eyes so much ... they revealed everything, if you were angry, happy or sad. They revealed me, when I couldn't believe it, couldn't believe your words, your actions, that you really loved me."

_"I hate you, Damon Salvatore."_

And I lowered the stake down, with all my force, straight into his ribcage. He let out a cough, but didn't scream.

"And ... you know ... what?" He said to me, his voice racked from pain, as I held my last stake in my hand, gripping it tightly. There was only one destination I had left out. Saved for the very end. His end. His heart. "Funnily enough ... even ... if you will kill me ... now, I don't regret ... anything. Because you ... changed ... me. Because ... you changed my life ... in a way ... I had never expected to be ... possible. I wasn't living as a human ... bound by grief about my mother ... hatred against my father ... who never let out an opportunity ... to show me that I was nothing. And I wasn't living as a vampire. I had ... all the possibilities in the world. I could go where I want ... do what I want. But all this time ... no matter what I experienced ... I was alone. Utterly alone. And then ... I met you ... and you changed it all", Damon whispered, looking straight into my eyes.

_These deep blue eyes ..._

My hand around the stake had started to tremble, it was shaking by now.

"Even if I die now, by your hand, I am not sorry ... for nothing", he went on, his eyes expressing an unbelievable certainty.

_I'm not sorry that I met you.  
I'm not sorry that knowing you has made me question everything;  
that in death you are the one that made me feel most alive.  
You've been a terrible person; you've made all the wrong choices and of all the choices that I've made this will prove to be the worst one.  
But I'm not sorry that I' in love with you._

_I love you, Damon.  
_  
The word crashed down on me like lightening down to earth. And the thunder reverberating through my body left me shaking. The following rain was a rain of memories ... words ... pictures ... showing me what I knew deep inside, buried by the compulsion, a compulsion which was broken at the sound of his last words.

_A classroom ... Damon and I ... I had managed to drink from a bloodbag and to keep it down ... I had jumped into his arms, so happy ..._

_A morning at the mansion ... Damon's King-size bed ... I had watched him sleep, studying every feature of his face, taking it all in ... he was mine ..._

_Two resembling scenes mixed ... a gym, me in my sport clothes, he had taken my hand and placed it on his heart; to show me the way to a vampire's heart. I hadn't listened to him a single second; all I had been able to think about were my hands touching his chest, his hands on mine ... and a long while later; the same situation, at the mansion. This time I had taken his hand and placed it on my heart ... making him understand that all of this is real; that nothing is wrong ..._

I let the stake drop out of my hand. It hit the ground loudly; or I imagined it to be so loud because the sound kept ringing in my ears. I couldn't held myself up any longer. I collapsed to the ground, down to his feet; breathing, shaking heavily.

_"No, no, you are exactly the person I need right now, Damon!"_

_A bench at a lake flickered in front of my eyes ... and dances ... the dances I shared with him; dances that made me laugh; making me forget my worries; dances that made me feel pure electricity between us; and the dance that lead to our first kiss, the first honest, free, loving kiss ..._

_Oh yes, the kisses ... Outside the motel room, when my heart had nearly exploded in my chest; my fierce loving human kiss ... The first kiss as me as a vampire ... I remember pushing him against the wall, tearing his shirt apart, kissing him passionately ..._

I had to laugh at the memory; and at the same time a sob escaped my throat; followed by tears building up in my eyes. I looked up and met Damon's eyes. I couldn't help the shudder running through my body at his sight. I swallowed. His eyes were dark, nearly black. His expression fathomless.

Shaking, I got up to my feet again. I didn't say a word. Silently I started pulling the stakes I had smashed through his skin out; all the while followed by more memories while tears ran silently down my cheeks.

_The lake house ... a mistletoe above my head ..._

_The mansion ... me lifting my hand, to touch his face, his eyes so serious; so torn; so frightened ... "Does this feel wrong?"_

_"I never hated you, Damon, not a single second. I wanted it. I wanted to hate you, I tried so hard to hate you but I simply couldn't!_

The stakes laid scattered around me. Covered in dark blood. I kneeled down in front of him again, lifting my hand to my mouth. I pierced my skin and held my wrist up to him. He looked at me for a long second, his face serious. Then he took my wrist to his mouth. I didn't feel anything. I was so exhausted, so tired, so numb. I supported myself with one hand on his leg, afraid of collapsing to the ground if I didn't catch a hold on something.

_A slow dance ..._

_A happy, fearless kiss in the morning ... "It's our time." "Just once."_

_A wild free dance ..._

When I felt him withdraw; I immediately pulled my hand away and got up. Without looking at him I turned around.

_Tears, lots of tears ... and strong arms closing around me, keeping me from falling, from the darkness surrounding me._

_And a smile ... a smile I had never seen before, so relieved, so happy, so loving, so human ... from deep blue eyes ... _

I managed to walk only several feet before I broke down. I just stood there, my arms clasped tightly around my chest to suppress the sobs; my body shuddering, tears running down my face. I just stood there like this, trembling.

I recoiled when I felt his hands on my shoulders. He softly turned me around to face him but I kept my eyes fixated on the ground. I couldn't look at him. He gently placed a hand around my chin, forcing me to meet his eyes.

"Look at me", he whispered.

But I couldn't. Keeping my gaze fixated on the stakes laying scattered on the ground, the whole scenario that had just taken place flickered in front of my eyes; like a movie; speeded up 100 times. It showed me what I just had done.

I knew how he really was; deep inside. He pretended to be the person nobody could hurt, nothing could touch. But I had seen a different side of him. I had seen his memories, unwillingly. I had seen how he really was, how he really felt ... when he was alone and nobody was there, nobody could see him. I had seen several memories of lonely dark nights, of shattered mirrors and of tears. And I had experienced a different side of him; whenever he was with me. I had met a person who would risk everything to save the people he loves; even to save the people his beloved ones hold dear, no matter what they had done to him or if they hated him. I had met a person who loved as deeply as nobody I had ever met before. And I had met a person who was so torn between trusting someone and being so afraid of getting hurt again like nobody I had met before. He was fragile, more fragile than any other person I knew. But the walls he had raised kept him safe, kept his fragile part secure from being hurt ... by every other person. Except me. I was the only one who could break him. And I nearly managed today.

"Please", he insisted, his whisper breaking through my thoughts.

I deserved this. I deserved to be forced to meet his look. I couldn't hide. I wasn't allowed to hide. I did this to him and now I had to pay for it. I wasn't allowed to avoid him cowardly. I had to face him. I was just so afraid of what I would see.

I turned my gaze from the stakes to meet his eyes, breathing hard, new tears had build up in my eyes.  
When I met his haze they started running down my face. The darkness in his eyes had diminished and so had the inscrutability. He didn't look reproachful nor angry ... no not at all; but relieved, tired and ... loving.

"Damon ... I'm so sorry", I sobbed, my body trembling.

"Shhh ...", he silenced me, leaning in to kiss away the wet tracks on my cheeks.

I wrapped my arms around him and held him close. I felt how he returned the embrace, closing his arms tightly around my body, his head resting against mine.

We had stood there like this for a long while when I felt how he loosened the grip around me and withdraw to look me into the eyes again. My tears had dried by then, but my expression remained serious. He studied my expression, trying to read in my eyes what I was thinking and I knew for sure that he knew my every single thought. My guilt for what I had done, my fear of having hurt him too badly.

"What was it that broke the compulsion in the end?"He asked finally.

"A special memory ... A memory that showed me that no matter what you had done in the past, how terrible you might have been, all the wrong choices you might have made, I am not sorry for having met you, for having you let change my life and most of all for falling in love with you", I replied honestly.

"The night you decided for me and against Stefan ...", he said.

"I am glad to hear that exactly that thought brought you back", he went on after a moment of silence between us.

"Why?" I replied.

"Because all the time I was looking in to your eyes I kept asking myself if it would have been better if you would have chosen Stefan."

I said nothing. Just stared at him.

"I am still trying to figure that out", he added after a moment, his eyes fixed to the ground.

While under compulsion I hadn't had a real grip on my thoughts. But when my mind was clear again and I had pulled the stakes out, when I had turned around, afraid to face him, that was exactly the reason I had been so silent and the reason I had broken down.

I knew from the very first moment my thoughts belonged entirely me again, that I hadn't hurt him physically. Nothing what vampire blood can't heal in seconds. But I had added fuel to his self-doubting thoughts. It wasn't that he didn't trust me. He didn't trust himself. He was too afraid to lose me, too afraid that his past would tear us apart. And I had shown him that everything he had done, all the hurt he had caused me, was still there, in the deepest corner of my heart and that every person who wanted to hurt him would be successful by pulling that trigger. This time, we had won over Silas. But he was afraid, no he already knew, that one day there would be a person who would be successful at tearing us apart. Just because he was him. Just because he was Damon. Just because there was all this past. A past I knew of and a past I didn't know of. And he also knew that if it would tear us apart, it would break him.

"Okay, figure it out", I replied, my voice determined, even with a harsh edge. I knew I wouldn't break his irrational thoughts by being sensitive or empathic. It wouldn't reach him.

He looked up, surprised.

"For my part, I have to figure out nothing. I don't regret my decision. I love you, no matter what", I went on, my voice steady, leaving no room for doubts.

"And because you love to hear it over and over again: I love you, I love you, I love ..."

But I didn't manage to finish it a third time. Damon had griped my face with both his hands, kissing me passionately now.

I felt the relief in his kiss, the gratitude. Yet, I knew that I had only calmed his twisted thoughts. I knew that he needed way longer to trust me not to leave him, even more to trust himself. I didn't know what was coming, I didn't know which aspects of his past I still didn't know, what parts of his life I might reveal in the future but I knew one thing for sure: That I loved him. And with the compulsion gone I remembered. I remembered what changed my mind, I remembered why I chose him, I remembered why hate turned into love. Just because of him. Just because he was who he was. Just because he was Damon.

"I think we might better clean this mess up ...", Damon said after a while, releasing me.

"And go back to the party. I am pretty sure some people might miss us," I added.

"I am pretty sure they came up with their own explanation", Damon answered, a huge grin on his face.

"If they would know ...", I replied laughing.


End file.
